Trying To Conceive
That phrase is just a glimpse of the journey that is infertility. My husband and I came around to the idea of expanding our family in 2015. Up until then, we truly believed that we were team “one and done.” But through a series of events, conversations, and quiet moments, we realized our desire for more children. And with that began the stage in relationships called “trying to conceive.” But trying would be putting it lightly. There were so many tests, procedures, and even exploratory surgery. To walk away with the diagnosis of secondary infertility.
I think this quote sums it up best:
Monthly, Weekly, Daily Agony and Hope
Did you see that part in the quote that says this does not always work?? Because in this journey that is infertility, you know so much more about your reproductive bodily functions than you ever thought possible. And you no longer go by weeks and months, instead it’s this test on Cycle Day 1, this appointment on Cycle Day 3, this procedure on Cycle Day 5, and so on. Time this right, schedule this test for this particular day. All while trying to go about life as if none of this is going on. The hard realization is that life goes on despite what you’re going through. So that line that teeters between agony and hope? Yeah, I know it well. My dear girlfriend asked if I ever forget, if I ever get a break. Nope. I don’t know what that is.
Because sometimes, all I can do is fall apart and start again
Yes, I know how extremely blessed I am. God blessed me with a beautiful son and an amazing husband. I do not take any of that for granted. There are women who have not yet had and may not be able to have their first baby. So the feelings of selfishness that also emerge in this journey run deep. Oh if I could write a book and all the questions that should be off limits to those with and without children! Through the winding road that is this journey of infertility, I do cling to my faith that God is sustaining me despite my pain. He’s never let me down and I know, despite what may lie around the corner—and yes that means if we’re able to have more children—He’ll be with me through it all.
The other day we received another “not pregnant” phone call from my fertility center. Month number 19 of where we have had to grapple with the answer being “no.” I crumbled on the couch next to my husband, repeating the words “this is too much” between the sobs. And in that moment, all he could do is hold me until I was ready to face the world for another day.
“The Lord Your God is with you, wherever you go.” I carry this in my heart daily.
To all of the women who have been before me in this journey. To those who are in the thick of it now. To those who may be facing it in the future. Please know that you have people in your life that are here for you no matter what. On your days when you want to talk, do it. You’ll feel better just spewing the emotions that are bottled up inside. And on your days when you just want to curl up in a ball and wish the day away, do that too. And on your in between days when you are managing that which is daily life, know that those feelings help to sustain you as well. I’ve had to learn that all of these reactions are valid. And those that love you will learn how to support you through all types of days.